The Power of Positive Parenting....

What first comes to our minds when we hear the phrase ‘positive parenting’…?

Sweet kisses as you lay your sleepy baby in her crib? A heartfelt round of applause when your toddler finally takes to his potty? An enthusiastic cheer as your preschooler sails off on his two-wheeler for the first time?

While these examples are certainly clear demonstrations of positive, loving and supportive parenting, the kind of parenting that children surely respond to, the definition of positive parenting digs much deeper than that.

What does it mean to be a positive parent?

Positive parenting is an approach to parenting that assists all aspects of healthy child development. A “positive parent” is a loving, understanding, reasonable and protective teacher and model. Each of these words holds special meaning.

A positive parent is loving…. parents must be warm and nurturing, and show unconditional love for their children to flourish. This kind of love is based on listening for and responding sensitively to each child’s needs and showing empathy with and respect for each child.
A positive parent is understanding of each child’s temperament and is able to build on the strengths of each child’s nature, yet be flexible as time and circumstances dictate.
A positive parent is reasonable…. A reasonable positive parent is consistent and predictable. He or she sets and communicates clear limits and expectations and constructs consequences for irresponsible behaviour that are natural and reasonable, but not penalizing.

A positive parent is protective… Because infants and young children are so helpless, they need adults to provide a safe and secure base. To be protective, parents must be actively involved with each child and provide not only a physically safe environment, but also an emotionally safe atmosphere where children can experiment with emotions, relationships and ideas.

A positive parent is an accomplished teacher… Each parent, in his or her own style and manner, provides opportunities for each child to learn in an atmosphere of acceptance, encouragement and with expectations of success. Positive parents offer each child choices and encourage children to learn to solve problems and make decisions.

A positive parent is an excellent model… Infants and young children are complete imitators, constantly looking to their parents for guidance in how to handle life’s challenges. To be an excellent model, parents must know themselves – both internally, regarding their emotions, values and beliefs, and how they appear to others in the family, on the job and in their community.

Does Positive Parenting mean just being nice to your child?

NO. Quite often being a ‘reasonable’ parent does not sound very positive. For example ‘setting limits’ or disciplining appropriately’ may not sound very positive. However, the long term impact of positive parenting are positive for the children and for their relationship with parents.

The first step towards positive parenting should be creating a comfort level between you and your child. This will make children learn to be secured, loved and above all be valued as an individual.

The second step would be your interaction as a parent with your child. Playing with your child is very important. Playing is a learning process and an integral part of growing up.Your participation in it as a parent will help the child to explore and discover the world and understand his role in it.

The third step would be to teach. Teaching helps children learn. Often parents are the first teachers in a child’s life. With you as a role model she will learn to communicate and relate to others. Your teachings as a parent will be her stepping stone in the outside world and how she perceives everything around her.


The Power of Positive Parenting, thus helps in nurturing a loving and caring relationship with your child.

Copyright © 2007

Moving with your Child…

Sooner or later, many families face the prospect of moving. Disruptive as moving can be for parents, the experience can be even more traumatic for kids, who may not be a part of the decision to move and may not understand it. Kids may need some time and special attention during the transition. You can take steps to make the entire process less stressful for everyone. This I understood when I had to make the move myself…..from Mumbai to Green Bay, Wisconsin in USA….

Moving with my four and a half year old toddler I was quite uncertain if I had made the right move…Apart from the stress of 24 hrs of air travel, missing my connecting flight at Chicago, struggling overnight with my son alone at Chicago airport….not knowing where to go my landing in the USA was sure not a pleasant one….That was when I realized how important it is to prepare your child before moving….

I found some of these points very useful :

Discuss the move with your children :

Talking with our children about the move is a matter of top priority. Explain to children at their own level of understanding why you are moving, what the new home will be like, and how they can contribute to the success of the family's relocation.

Encourage them to express whatever feelings they have on the subject.

Accept their attitudes, even if they are negative, and discuss with them your own feelings. Remember that you probably have some misgivings about leaving too, no matter how nice your new situation promises to be.

Above all, be honest. Truth will go a lot further than pretence or made-up stories in preparing children for the move. The strength of the family as a unit will contribute immeasurably to the readiness and confidence with which the children adapt to their new surroundings.

Kids of different ages need a different kind of moving day...

Each child, because of differences in age and life-experience, will view the move differently. Infants, of course, will be least affected. As long as they are comfortable and their normal routine isn't disrupted too much, they won't be concerned.

Pre-school children can pose a real problem. Their sense of identity relies on the parents, the family routine, and several objects that are special to them. This I realized when my four and a half year old started reacting the day I started to pack our bags.

When they see their favourite toys being packed and put away, and their mother rushing about with apparently little time to spend with them, they begin to worry. One of their greatest fears is that they will be left behind.

Let them pack and carry along some of their special possessions. Include them in all the winding up activities especially those which involve their own things like clothes, toys, books etc. Keep them with you as far as possible until the winding up is finished.

Reasons why we move:

We have to bare in mind that whatever the reasons behind it, moving will represent a big change for all members of the family. Emotional fatigue and confusion can cause emotions to run high and tempers to run short. Prior preparation will enable the whole family to better handle the crisis that relocation can precipitate.

Here are some points to make the move easier for the children :

• Take a break with the family as soon as the major unpacking is done once u move to the new place. Don't try to do everything as soon as you arrive.
• Both parents should spend time with the children after the move, listening to what they've learnt about the new school and how they perceive the new environment.
• The first few weeks in a new school may be difficult for your children. Follow their progress closely, and if any problems arise and don't go away with time, don't hesitate to visit their teacher. Accompanying them to school the first few days may ease both their, and your mind.
• Younger children may react to the move by reverting to babyish actions. Try and be assuring, not scolding. They will soon relax and return to normal behaviour.
• Any abnormalities that linger - particularly, physical ones, such as loss of appetite, insomnia, constipation, menstrual disorder - should be referred to a doctor. Explain to the doctor that your family recently relocated. This is very important.
• If you are moving to a radically different environment - caution your children about the new situations they will face.
  
  Even adults find that moving can sometimes be an emotional wrench. How much more then, is it likely to be for children who don't have the maturity, independence, and understanding of a parent? You will move many valuable possessions when you change addresses, but none will be as precious as your children. So go ahead and give them the attention they deserve and need….
  

Saying "I Love You" to your Child….

"I love you".... Can any words possibly sound sweeter or offer greater comfort? Is any statement more natural......or necessary........between a parent and child?

In many families, these words come easily. But if you grew up never hearing them, saying "I love you" may feel somewhat unnatural to you. Or if members of your family used loving statements to control or manipulate, you may be very uncomfortable using them with your own children.

Many families either don't communicate loving feelings very often or they communicate them in destructive ways. Also, many times it is observed that this statement was always loaded with expectations for us to do something. Most of the time when parents said 'I love you' they would stand there and wait for us to say 'I love you, too'. So that statement always came off as a solicitation, rather than an expression of how they really felt about us."

If either of these extremes describe your upbringing, chances are, you aren't using loving statements as often...or as "cleanly".....as you might.

Let's hear it! We all need to hear loving statements from people we care about. It may be easy to assume that your kids know you love them. After all, you do love them and you probably do a lot of loving things for them. That's important.

But feeling love for someone is not the same as expressing it. Nor is doing loving things. Loving feelings and loving behaviors are not loving words--and those are important, too. If you find it hard to get the words out of your mouth, either from lack of familiarity or fear of rejection, start slowly.

A parent whom I know started by writing love notes to her children, sneaking them into their lunch bags or under their pillows. She reported such a strong, positive response from their children, that saying "I love you" came much more easily after that.

Keep it simple! "I love you" is a complete sentence. We don't need to tie our feelings for a person to the person's behavior. In fact, whenever we connect it to something the other person has done, "I love you" becomes a statement of conditional caring. Say it anyhow. As a gift to yourself, communicate your love daily. At least.

"I love you when you make your bed", or "I love you when you keep your toys in order", suggest that you love your child because of his behavior or accomplishment. It also suggests that the love wouldn't be there--or be quite the same--if the child hadn't made the bed or put the toys in order. (Don't you love your kid in either case?) You can still be excited and happy about the behavior, but avoid communicating that your loving feelings for your child exist because he's doing what pleases you.

"I love you". Period.

No "buts" about it! By the same token, watch the tendency to use "I love you" as a lead-in to a confrontation about something your child has done that you find disturbing. If you need to address the child's behavior or set a boundary, by all means do so. But deal with the behavior--not the worth of the child, or your feelings for him or her.

No expectations. Say "I love you" because you want to say "I love you." Say it because you feel love toward the person you're talking to. Say it because it feels good to say it.
If your children haven't learned how to say "I love you" yet, it's OK to tell them that you need to hear those three little words sometimes, too. Then give them some space to risk, practice and learn. By far their best lessons will come from your own unconditional modeling.
Turn the love inward. Next to unconditional love, the best gift you can give your child is the love you give yourself! In fact the ability to love, appreciate and care for yourself is essential to healthy, loving relationships with others.

So, look in the mirror. Look into your eyes. Say "I love you." No "buts." No qualifiers. Say it out loud. Say it often. Mean it.

What better way to affirm how worthwhile and lovable you are. And what better way to practice one of the most basic, most precious and important parenting skills there is.

When your children aren't very loving...

When your child says “I HATE YOU MOMMY”…Getting mad at him does not work…Instead, acknowledge the feelings behind the statement: "You sound pretty angry," "You're upset about that'" or even "I understand."

Disengage....especially if you find yourself getting upset. Watch out for the temptation to hurt back. Saying "I hate you too, sometimes!" may be exactly what you are feeling at the moment, but it won't help you, your child or your relationship for you to become a 4-year-old who is acting out. If you need some support, encouragement, reassurance or understanding, call on your adult resources.
And leave the door open for further discussions with your child at a later, and calmer, time: "Let's talk about this in a little bit."

If you are able to stay "unhooked" and refuse to change your mind because your child has said that she hates you, she's far less likely to continue using this statement to manipulate your feelings and behaviors. Plus, you'll be able to hang onto the idea that you're still a wonderful and lovable person...no matter what your kids say!

And of course….this works on Daddies too!!!!

Copyright © 2007

Spirituality and Parenting

Life is a sacred and spiritual journey... we are sacred and spiritual beings and we can choose to embrace the perspective of parenting from the sacred place of our spirituality - the heart.

Bringing together Spirituality and Parenting can be a unique experience in parenthood....Despite our religious or cultural preferences, Spiritual parenting is about parenting with a compassionate and giving heart.

Sri Kalki often says that to be a parent is a sacred responsibility. You cannot just say that you want to have a child because you are fascinated by children. It is a responsibility; you bring down a soul to this planet. Parenting is a sacred art which has to be learned. It is such an important experience to be a parent.

A Poem for the love of every child….

Children are a blessing sent from God above

For us to care and nurture and most of all to love.

God calls us to be parents and gives us all the tools

And when we feel like giving up, our strength He will renew.

From childhood days to a child full grown

Their joys and hurts are a parent's own.

Times of joy and laughter and those times of tears

The times spent raising a child are surely the best of years.

There comes that time in life when a child will leave the nest

We must send them off with love and a prayer and leave to God the rest.

We've have shared the Word of God, we've taught them right from wrong

Now it's time to let them go and let them write their song.

There are many paths a child can take,

right or wrong will remain unknown

But rest assured that in the end, they all lead back to home.

Understanding how your toddler behaves…..

The balance between dependence and independence

A toddler is no longer a baby, feeling himself as part of you, using you as his controller, the mirror in which he sees himself and the world. But he is not yet a child either; ready to see you as a person in your own right and to take responsibility for himself and his own actions in relation to you.

He has just begun to be aware that you and he are separate people; he does not yet take it comfortably for granted. Some of the time he asserts this new-found individuality, yelling "No!" and "Let me!", fighting your control and his own need for your help each time an issue presents itself. But some of the time he clings to you, crying when you leave the room, holding up his arms to be carried, demanding with open mouth that you should feed him.

His in-between behaviour is confusing for you, but it is painful for him. He has to become a person in his own right, but it feels safer to remain your possession. He has to begin to reject your total control over him yet it is easier to accept it. He has to develop likes and dislikes of his own and to pursue his own ends even when they conflict with yours, yet the conflict feels desperately dangerous to him. He still loves you with an unrivalled passion, depending on you totally for emotional support.

The developmental imperative of independence conflicts with the emotional imperative of love. He needs your love and approval, but his drive to grow up will not allow him to accept them at the price of too much dependence. But if you expect him to change overnight into what he will be -- a sensible child -- he will feel himself inadequate. He needs your help and comfort and if they are withheld from him, he cannot manage. Babied, he is difficult. Pushed on, he is whiny.

Finding the middle road

There is a middle road which allows your toddler to adventure but insures him against disaster; helps him to try but cushions his failures; gives him a firm framework for acceptable behaviour yet pads it so that it can contain him without bruising his dawning sense of being his own boss.

Finding that middle road depends on understanding some aspects of toddlers' development that are not always obvious, and on refusing to be fooled by appearances. In many ways your two-year-old seems much more grown up than he feels. His walking, his talking and his play develop to a point where outwardly he seems little different from a three-year-old, but his inward understanding and his experience do not match up to them. If you treat him as a baby, you will hold him back. He must come to understand. He must learn by experience. But if you treat him as you would treat a preschool child, you put him under intolerable pressure. He must be helped to understand. He must have experience made manageable.

Learning from experience

Your toddler has a memory, of course, but while he may remember people and places and songs and smells as well as you do yourself, his memory for some kinds of details is still very short. When he was a baby, doing baby things, this was neither very important nor very obvious. But now he is trying to do more grown up things, it is both vital and conspicuous. Day after day he trips and tumbles over the step between kitchen and living room. Wild with irritation and plagued by worry over the bumps on his head, you wonder whether he will ever learn. He will, but it will take time. He cannot "bear that step in mind" until repeated experience has etched it into his memory. When he was a baby it would have been your job to prevent him tumbling. When he is a child it will be your job to point the step out to him. But right now your job is to modify the painful potential of that series of experiences and to jog that memory. You may need to pad the step and issue endless reminders.

Learning to think ahead

Just as your toddler's memory of events in the past is selective, so is his capacity for forethought. Although he can anticipate your work-day departure from the briefcase in your hand, he cannot anticipate the results of his own behaviour. If he can climb that step-ladder, he will do so without thinking ahead to the problem of how to get down again. Often difficulties with memory and with forethought combine to get him into trouble. He has been scolded again and again for playing with the buttons on the television set, but as he approaches it again today neither the memory of past scoldings nor anticipation of the new one that is coming is strong enough to give him pause. Those buttons demand to be pressed. They draw him like a magnet. It is because your toddler cannot think ahead that he cannot wait a second for anything. If he wants it at all, he wants it now and the yelling begins even as he watches you remove the wrapper from the longed-for ice-pop. If waiting for things he likes is difficult for him, putting up with even minor discomfort now, in order to be more comfortable later is impossible. Wailing with misery because the ice-pop has made him so sticky, he will still fight off the washcloth that brings relief. Most of the time he is still a creature of this moment only.

Learning to consider feelings

Immaturities in toddler thinking may get him into trouble in his relationships with people, too. He loves you. Everyone tells you that he loves you. He tells you that he loves you, and when you get that big hug, wicked grin or contented chuckle, you know he loves you. Yet it may be quite rare for him to behave in the ways we adults think of as "loving". He cannot put himself in your place or see things through your eyes. He will hate it if you cry but it will be the feelings your tears arouse in him which he dislikes, not the feelings the tears represent in you. It is not his job yet to consider other people's feelings, he has to come to terms with his own first. If he bites you and you bite him back to "show him what it feels like", he will howl his hurt and outrage as if biting was a totally new idea to him. He makes no connection between what he did to you and what you then did to him; between your feelings and his own.

The key to understanding your toddler lies in understanding the development of his thought processes. It is only as these mature that those conflicting emotions and misleading abilities can come together to form the reasonable and manageable whole we call a child.

Copyright © 2007

Expectations…

We, as parents, always have various expectations from our children.

How many times do we pause and think…. whether these expectations are realistic and do not harm the individuality of our little ones…..

As parents of children in the modern age we need to analyse this very important aspect which has a direct impact on their growth.

Are your expectations for your child too high or too low?

Expectations that are too high make a child feel like he is a constant failure. The child will either give up, or put so much pressure on himself that he becomes sick, afraid and stressed and his ability to learn gets completely blocked. Expectations that are too low make him feel you have no faith in him and wipe out his feelings of value. It is important for parents to maintain balanced expectations of children based on their family's values and the child's ability.

Here are some ways to show your child you believe in him:

Be willing to wait to allow your child to figure out a problem, instead of rushing in with all your adult wisdom to solve it. You will be surprised when he comes up with solutions which you may never think of…..Patience is the keyword.

Avoid an impatient tone when your child is learning; remember learning takes repetition and children cannot learn under stress.

Get close and use a touch. Place your hand on his shoulder, back or knee. A loving touch calms children and relieves stress. It gives them a sense of security and an assurance that you stand by them.

Say or silently affirm that he can do it. Use words that convey your belief, "You have such a creative mind, I know you can do it." It will create a positive impact on him and make him confident.

Suggest he visualize the desired result. Ask him what he would like to have happen, and help him make a picture of it in his head. Let his imagination grow and stand by him….this will widen his perspective of life and will teach him to be responsible for his actions.

Follow this mantra and see your little one grow into a young, confident and responsible individual……

Copyright © 2007

Visualize the Positive Behaviors

What would it be like if our family were perfect?

Not the sort of perfect that doesn't allow mistakes, conflicts or individual differences, but the sort of perfect as in, ""Life is good, we have great kids and we're doing a pretty decent job of parenting them and we have fun most of the time".

If that were the case what would it look like for your family?

The answer to this question is illustrated in one of the exercises we do wherein we look into ourselves for answers to many questions that arise in our day to day life as parents, and more importantly as a family.

Close your eyes for a moment (yes, right after you read the rest of this paragraph), visualize your family cooperating and working well as a team, what are they doing? What are they saying? What's the attitude or tone of voice that you and your children are using? Use all five of your senses to really experience your family happy and cooperative.

What did you see? How did it feel to visualize everyone getting along?

Many parents report that it's a new experience. So often we focus on what we don't want. "I don't want to yell, I don't want them to fight and I don't want them to ignore me". Instead we need to constantly place our focus and our energies on what we do want to see. Visualize them talking to each other (and you) in a respectful tone, hear them resolving conflicts by talking it out, listening to each other and coming to an agreement and feel the feeling that happens when they listen to you when you make a request.

Many families are basically happy. The problem is the parents don't know it! We are trained in our society to be overly self-critical, to complain, to be stressed and to never have enough or be enough. Since we are so consumed by the things that we don't want, typically we are not even aware of what we do want. Your family could be perfectly happy, and if you have never taken the time to visualize (and therefore be able to identify) good times, you would not recognize them when they showed up!

Take some time this week or this month, to visualize family perfection. This exercise is not just for parents! Ask your children to close their eyes and imagine the family cooperating and working as a team. It is quite interesting to hear their ideas of family unity! Be persistent in keeping your focus towards what you do want. Sometimes parents are so frustrated and at their wit's end from the negative behavior, that it is difficult or even impossible to visualize the positive.

With this exercise let us promise ourselves and take the first step towards positive parenting!

Copyright © 2007

Strong Marriage Relationship Central to Positive Parenting

The qualities of the relationship between a husband and wife affect their children's competence in many ways. Some psychologists believe that a good marital relationship provides the primary physical as well as emotional support for parents. As a result, the relationship that exists between the husband and wife affects the couple's parenting behaviours, which in turn has an impact on the adjustment of the children.

For example, studies have shown that a harmonious marriage relationship promotes competence and maturity in their children. Other studies have demonstrated that marital conflict may result in cognitive delay, school difficulties, and antisocial or withdrawn behaviour in children.

Couples who are satisfied in their marriage relationship are more likely to agree about expectations for their children. This provides consistent expectations to the children. In addition, they learn about attachment, love, and security from their early care givers. Parents who model positive relationship behavior contribute to the their children's attitudes toward intimate relationships and long-term relationship stability.

Couples who do not feel supported in the marital relationship may have lower self-esteem and interact differently with their children than their counterparts who have a warm, responsive relationship. This seems to hold true irrespective of whether a family's oldest child is preschool age or in the age group of nine to 13-year-olds.

Developing a Strong Marital Relationship…

We…as educated and mature individuals of the 21st century must stop and think….in what way can we contribute to build a strong marital relationship which in turn will go a long way in the positive upbringing of our children.
Spouses can ….and need to support each other in several ways to bring up their children as confident and mature individuals.


Here are some ways to strengthen the bond of love within the family.

Emotional Assistance

Spouses can act as potential reservoirs for love and affection, providing both comfort and emotional security to one another. Often with us….as human tendency is….self-esteem is hampered and a sense of insecurity exists. Under such moments of pressure, spouses should provide each other with the much required emotional security to handle such situations. This can be the first step to making yourself a successful example for your child to handle similar kind of situations in his life.

Tangible Help

It is no secret that child-rearing can be very demanding, tiring and time consuming. However, spouses can provide important tangible assistance to one another. Sharing household chores, child care, work-related tasks, family and friendship obligations, and community responsibilities reduces individual stress loads and provides mutual support.

Develop Family Rituals

Developing family rituals provides meaning for family interactions and helps clarify roles and responsibilities within the family. Family rituals can be anything from religious observances, such as important festivals, to daily interactions, such as how family members greet one another when someone returns home. Creating and maintaining family rituals on a daily basis is an important part of family life.

Participate in Leisure Activities

Plan leisure activities as a couple that offer plenty of opportunities for communication. The old saying, "The family that plays together, eats together,….stays together," may be partially true. However, research has indicated marital satisfaction is more closely related to good communication during leisure activities.

Go on a Date Once a Month

Plan time alone where talk about the children and work are a big NO. Going on a date doesn't have to cost a lot of money. In fact, it could be as simple as planning a midnight stroll while the children are staying over with friends or relatives.

Listen When Communicating

Many people want nothing more, than the person they care the most about, to really listen to them. Give your partner focused attention so he or she knows his or her comments are top priority. Listen with an attitude of acceptance and willingness to understand. Listen with an attitude that seeks clarification. You may need to ask questions to be assured that you have the correct meaning of the message being sent.

Retain the Passion

A satisfying marriage relationship grows best when a couple nurtures the passion between them. The marital relationship can flourish when the couple creates companionship, makes a lasting commitment, and deepens their passion for one another.

Resolve Conflict

Inevitably, even the best marriages face conflict. When one spouse has been offended by the other, rather than letting a wall go up between the two of them, they must confront the conflict. Usually, resolving conflict requires both seeking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. The final process is working toward reconciliation and rebuilding trust with your partner.

Thus, we, as parents must devote our first energies to developing a strong marriage relationship which has a direct impact on the healthy and positive upbringing of our children.

Copyright © 2007